What Have I Done?

I’ve been having a mid life crisis of sorts.  How did I end up here?

So many things I wanted to do with my life and really, I haven’t done most of them.  Where is my Oscar?  Where is my Emmy and Tony Award, side by side on my mantle?  Where is my mantle?

Like many over the age of, say, 35 (yes, let's say 35), I wonder where the time went.  And if I could have spent it better.  And if I had spent it better, been better, done better, would I be in a better place?  Like where I imagined myself to be when I day-dreamed at age 12?

Living in L.A., one is faced daily with the nagging feeling that one has not done enough.  That others are doing more.  That something is missing.  That maybe it's too late.

One big mind fuck.

My mind is in such a place right now.  I place my head against my pillow and close my eyes.  I scan my entire life and what I’ve done.  Like a meditation, my life passes before me as I breathe in and breathe out.  Images, memories, familiar feelings.  A home movie in my mind.  And what I’ve done - what I’ve experienced - isn’t so much about what I have printed on my business card or my resume.  

I’ve gone camping, I've skinny dipped, I’ve fallen in love, I've climbed trees, I’ve driven in a convertible with the wind whipping my hair and the sun on my shoulders, I've crashed that same convertible in to a barn hurting nothing but my pride.

I’ve awakened feeling rested and content, I've awakened hungover, I’ve spent sleepless nights excited about the following day, I've spent sleepless nights worrying, I've spent sleepless nights with the one I love, I’ve had orgasms - lots of orgasms - I’ve felt bliss, I’ve felt joy, I’ve experienced deep and profound peace, I’ve felt connected to every living thing in the world, I've felt connected to myself, to God; I’ve had transcendent experiences while acting, while singing, while meditating, while teaching, while making love, while laughing.

I’ve made an audience cry and an audience laugh and often I’ve made the same audience do both. I’ve known deep sorrow, I’ve felt alone and I’ve felt connected to everyone in the world through this suffering – through knowing everyone has suffered and everyone will again and how this very fact connects us all.  I’ve swam in the ocean, I’ve been stung by jellyfish, stung by bees, stung by others’ words; I’ve wanted to end it all and I’ve also wanted to share my bursting happy heart with the world. I’ve eaten food off a taco truck, a dosa truck, I've eaten food off of someone’s body, been handcuffed by my own volition, gotten sand in my shoes and my pants, danced till my lungs hurt, won a spelling bee, won acting awards (no Oscar yet), won someone’s love, won $10 from a Lotto ticket, made money, spent money, lost money, ridden a horse, ridden a pony and ridden the family collie when I was 3.

I’ve held kittens and puppies and baby horses and baby rats (yes, rats), and have loved, been loved, been grateful, been present, been hopeful, wished for more time and wished for less.

I've been confused and been filled with insight, had my cheeks pinched, my feet tickled, my hair pulled, my various body parts attended to with delight; I've been proud, I've been humble, I've been humiliated, I've tripped and fallen on my face in front of people (mostly on purpose while doing pratfalls).  I’ve written stories and songs and theatre and comedy and a poem that was published in Teen Magazine when I was 13.

I was a mime for three days, I've done experimental theatre and performance art for a non-English-speaking audience who understood about as much as I did.  I've sold sandwiches, sold flowers, sold cocktails, sold subscriptions to the L.A. Times; I’ve lived in San Francisco and Chicago and Manhattan and at least 15 places in the Los Angeles area.  I’ve spoken bad German in Germany, bad French in France, bad Spanish in Puerto Vallarta and Hollywood and Mr. Garcia's Spanish class.

I've found $20 on the street.  I've found myself and lost myself when I didn't mean to and when I did.  I've hated myself, loved myself, felt deep abiding compassion for myself and for my heart and how I yearn to be of service to myself and to others this lifetime and how I have felt there is still time.  There is still time.  Another half of a life – or more – to taste strawberries and drink cheap champagne and dream new dreams and squeeze my boyfriend’s ass when he gets out of the shower.   Or it could end tomorrow.  How lucky I've been if this is where it stops.

I've lived a life.  A life of details that are not insignificant.  Many of these details occurred while I've been biding time waiting for my life to be better, to be different.  And some of these details could not have occurred at all without my surrender to the present moment - without me falling in love with whatever is right in front in me.

Who says I haven’t done a thing with my life?  Not me.  But I may feel different tomorrow.  And so it goes. 

Breathe In, Breathe Out, Breathe Easy

[ Sarah: In light of the events of the tragic Aurora, Colorado shooting, I thought I would re-post my blog on Tonglen, originally posted on March 18, 2011. xo ]

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Whenever a tragedy occurs, like the earthquake, tsunami and impending nuclear meltdown in Japan, there is a collective grief that hangs in the air. Everyone feels it.

What do we do in the face of such suffering?

We might turn away. Or obsess over CNN. Or feel overwhelmed, guilty, helpless, numb. We may become more self absorbed as a defense to such enormous grief and then think: "How can I be so obsessed with my little life when there's bigger fish to fry in the universal pan?"

In Buddhism, the first Noble Truth that "life is suffering" is not a proclamation that "life sucks". It's a truth urging us to be more willing to face suffering squarely. To really look in to its eyes. When we practice this, we can handle anything that comes our way.

There is a belief – especially in recent years – that we must think only happy thoughts and to avoid, avert and distract ourselves from what is. We avoid "bad energy" at all costs and after awhile, we're living like ostriches, with our blindfolded head in the pink sand, believing that this will attract shiny happy things in our lives. This way of living can actually create more fear. It can make us live smaller.

And facing suffering, understanding suffering, doesn’t mean being glued to the TV watching horribleimage after horrible image for hours on end. This, actually, can be a hysterical indulgence after a certain point.

So what do you do?

You could donate to The Red Cross, you could call to make sure friends and relatives are safe, you could organize a benefit. But beyond this, what the hell do you do in order to understand such suffering on a deep level? I don't know completely. But I've been doing Tonglen.

Tonglen is a beautiful practice for suffering. Basically, you breathe in suffering and you breathe out relief. You actually relate to suffering, rather than turn away. Rather than worry and obsess. Rather than wish things were different.

The Buddhist path is one of fearlessness. When you truly feel that nothing in life can touch your inner sense of grace, deep peace and happiness, you become braver in life. You take risks. You live bigger. You're happier.

Funny, that.

So. What to do in the face of such suffering? When there is seemingly no compassionate action you can take in the moment? Try Tonglen.

Heart of Bodhicitta:
Get in contact with your open, loving, wise heart. If you have trouble with this, just think of you at your best. This heart is from where all your good deeds have ever sprung. This is a place of spaciousness, wisdom, stillness, clarity, compassion and loving kindness. A collection of all that is good in you. Trust me, it’s there. If you don’t think you have it, borrow someone else’s. Hell, Angelina Jolie’s will work. Or Mother Theresa. Or your great grandma. But see it as a beautiful orb of light in the center of your chest. Maybe golden light, or pure white light. However this resonates with you, get in contact with your heart of bodhicitta, your inherent goodness and compassionate wisdom that is there. Rest your attention here for a while. Count to ten breaths.

Breathe In Suffering:
Now see the suffering of another, perhaps a loved one, as a black cloud. It’s hot and thick. Breathe this black cloud of suffering in to your spacious, open, loving heart. Your heart uses it for fuel and…

Breathe Out Relief:
...As you breathe out, exhale relief to those in suffering in the form of this beautiful light from your heart. Exhale compassion, loving kindness, stillness, expansive clarity and wisdom. All that is limitless and true in your heart of bodhicitta. Let these qualities touch and relieve those beings who suffer.

In, suffering, out, relief. In, blackness, out, light.

We want to not do such a thing, right? I mean, breathing in suffering? Are you nuts? Try it anyway.

Breathe in the suffering of others. Focus on a single being at first. Perhaps a woman who has lost her child in the tsunami. A nuclear plant worker. A dog who cannot find its master, roaming the devastated shoreline.

Breathe in your own suffering; your own resistance to life, your resistance to your meditation practice, your resistance to washing the dishes after dinner and the fight you always get in to with your loved one about it.

Breathe in the truth of life; that we all have suffering of some kind or another, taking various shapes and forms that are no more and no less suffering.

Breathe out the truth of inherent wisdom, kindness, compassion, spaciousness, stillness, clarity.

Eventually, with this practice, you begin to hold suffering and bodhicitta together, in the palm of the same hand, neither fearing and averting, nor attaching and preferring. It’s all of it. Just like life.

I do Tonglen for myself, for loved ones, for a woman with a suffering face in line at the grocery store. For my parents, who did the best they could. For ex boyfriends who didn't do whatever they didn't do. For those who have caused harm to me. For those to whom I've caused harm. For a dear friend who's going through a breakup. For an entire nation that is ravaged by loss and devastation.

And I begin to be able to face the un-faceable. And I begin to know there is something else there alongside all that suffering.

And low and behold I find I can truly handle whatever comes my way more often than not. This breeds a trust that is always there. Well, most of the time. And so I keep practicing. In and out. In and out.

In Gayle We Trust

The third season of the NBC web series I'm on is out!  All ten episodes are up on NBC.com and www.ingaylewetrust.com.

Here's an episode from season 2 to give you some back story...


http://www.nbc.com/in-gayle-we-trust/video/ep-202-gayle-and-the-changes/1238378/

And what Mr. and Mrs Anderson are up to now:

http://www.nbc.com/in-gayle-we-trust/video/ep-302-gayle-and-the-investors/1363608/

Here's my favorite episode we shot because director Jason Farrand gave us free reign to improvise some pure ridiculosity:

http://www.nbc.com/in-gayle-we-trust/video/ep-306-gayle-and-the-rehearsal/1363607/

Enjoy the silliness!

More Metta, Please!

In honor of Laker Ron Artest officially changing his name to Metta World Peace today, I thought I'd write about metta.   Not the man named Metta, but metta.


"What the hell does his first name mean?" you may ask. We all know what his new last name - World Peace - is, if not in reality, then at least in theory.  


And while world peace may not be something that can happen overnight,  metta is entirely possible right now, right here, in this very moment as you read this blog or pump gas or say hello to your nosy neighbor.  And it's impact could very well lead to world peace!  


Ron - oops, Metta World Peace - might be on to something. 

In Buddhism, metta is a Pali word (maitri in sanskrit) and is one of the four brahmavijaras - aka the four immeasurables or higher emotions of:  metta, karuna, mudita, upekkha.


Metta is loving kindness, karuna is compassion and mudita is appreciative joy - like when your nosy neighbor gets a bonus at work and buys a brand new Lexus.  You're happy for him, right?  Right?  Hellooo?  And finally upekkha, or equanimity - that unflappable, even quality you maintain in the midst of whatever is thrown your way, like your neighbor's tendency to point out how your crappy '83 Honda Civic is on its last legs.
 
We cultivate these higher emotions, these sublime and limitless qualities of loving kindness, compassion, appreciative joy and equanimity in our meditation practice so that they become second nature.  Practice may not make "perfect", but practice makes a happier, fulfilling, more peaceful life for yourself and those around you.

Metta is many things: unconditional friendliness, warm-heartedness, love, the wish for others to be truly happy, caring for others and expecting nothing in return.  However, there is a return on this kind of stuff.  Try it and see.


When we engage in metta practice, we practice sending to others loving kindness and the wish for their happiness.  We practice metta in our meditation and we practice it as we move through our daily lives.


And what Easterners have known for thousands of years, the West is slowly starting to recognize. Metta practice helps us with everything from chronic pain to better focus to general well being, a sense of connection with others and improved relationships.  


Personally, metta practice has helped me to not just feel warmth, love and forgiveness for those who have hurt me, but has actually changed how people respond to me, changed my relationship to myself and others, and therefore, changed my reality.


But sending metta to myself has been truly transformational.  As I got over how incredibly foreign and uncomfortable it was for me to send loving kindness my own way - whether I thought I deserved it or not - more of my inherent goodness began to shine through.  My creativity enhanced, my humor increased and so did my willingness to take risks, dream big, love deep.  I waste much less time on self loathing.  This is enjoyed not just by me, but by those around me as my best friends and boyfriend will attest.  How we treat ourselves is how we treat others.  Duh, right? 


And there is no way I would have been able to go in to countless seedy bars and comedy clubs each night making people laugh without a heart filled with metta.  Whether faced with surly, unhappy comics...or a surly, unhappy audience, booker, producer, etc...I've experienced transformation whenever I carry a desire for all those around me to truly be happy.  Because, look: when people are happy, they're less of an a-hole, you know?  And so am I! 

So go ahead.  I dare you.  Wish for those around you to be truly, completely, utterly happy.  True happiness that comes not from outside gain or reputation, but from our true nature - within.


Metta lives in all of us; it is part of our true nature no matter how obscured it may have become over the years for us.  When we practice getting in touch with it, we start to trust it's always there and easily accessible. 


If you want to give metta practice a try, all you need is a comfortable, quiet place to sit.  Turn off your phones and give yourself 15 minutes.  Soon, you and your neighbor will be throwing back jello shots and Googling videos of cats.  Or porn.  Whatever brings you together.

Metta (loving-kindness) Meditation

Your heart

See, feel or imagine your heart as a glowing orb of golden light at the center of your chest. Feel its warmth, see its glow.  Don’t worry if it’s just a sliver of warmth and light.  And if you can’t tap in to it at all, simply trust it is there.  Whatever you have is enough. As you breathe in, this light gets brighter and warmer.  As you breathe out, that light and warmth from your heart spreads throughout your entire body. Allow yourself to relax and enjoy this feeling.  Continue breathing in, allowing your heart to get bright and warm and then breathing out, spreading this warmth and light throughout your body from the top of your head to the tips of your toes. Do this as long as you like before beginning the sequence.

Being who is easy to love 
Now bring to mind a being that is easy to love. Usually this is a child or pet, but can be a friend or family member if you like. This is a being who, when you think of them, instantly and easily warms and opens your heart.  Feel your heart get bright and warm. Send this warmth and light, this loving-kindness, to that being, along with the wish for their genuine happiness.  There is a limitless supply of this loving-kindness within your heart. 

You* 
Bring to mind yourself.  See yourself standing before you.  Not you when you have your act together, but you as you are right now, with all your quirks and faults.  Feel your heart’s brightness and warmth.  Send this warmth and light, this loving-kindness you have generated, to yourself, along with the wish for your genuine happiness.

Family and friends for whom you are grateful 

Now bring to mind a family member or a friend that are you are grateful for, living or dead, and do the same. If you like, continue to bring to mind as many family members and friends as you like, doing the same.

~ If at any time, you lose contact with the warm, bright feeling of loving-kindness, recall the being that is easy to love, contact that feeling, and then continue. ~

Stranger 
Now bring to mind someone you don’t know; a person who you’ve recently seen at the store, on the street, standing in line somewhere.  Send them that same bright, warm loving-kindness from your heart along with the wish for their happiness.

Difficult person 
Now bring to mind someone difficult.  It doesn’t have to be the most difficult person in your life.  Perhaps it’s simply someone who has rubbed you the wrong way.  Send them this same bright, warm loving-kindness from your heart along with the wish for their happiness.

All beings everywhere 
Now imagine the light from your heart getting bigger and brighter and shining through the pores in your body. You are now glowing and shining this light of loving-kindness from all directions: your front, your sides, and your back. This light and warmth from your heart continues to grow and shine out more and more and it reaches all beings in your neighborhood, then your city, then your state, the country, the continent, around the world, the universe and beyond. Send this warm, bright light and loving kindness you have generated, along with the wish for their happiness, to all beings everywhere.

 After awhile allow the image of all beings everywhere to fade...

...And simply rest in this light and loving-kindness.

When you’re ready, bring yourself back to where you are now, to your body, to your breathing and open your eyes.  

* Metta is sent to yourself after the being that is easy to love fans the flames of your heart and gets your metta going.  This is because sending it to yourself creates a foundation from which you can send it to others and move through the world with a heart full of metta. Students often have a hard time sending metta to themselves (just do your best!) and often forget this part. Here in the West, we love our self loathing; we are under the delusion that we need it.  Don't forget this part!

~ ~ ~

I'm Full Of It

­­I am full.  Of shit perhaps?  Maybe.

But I also feel filled to the brim with words and premises and punchlines and ideas for jokes that I don’t give a crap about right now.  Full of dates on a calendar and schedules and appointments and to do lists and plans for building the life of my dreams!

I’m exhausted.

But this is in stark contrast to another life, where I spent many years stuck. Years and years holding back, fearful and not doing much toward getting unstuck.  I worked, came home, watched TV and complained about my life.  I call this sticky, stuck-y chunk of time The Couch Years.

 
During The Couch Years I was not saying yes to life.  When life came calling I said:

“How did you get this number?” and promptly hung up.

Finally, the desire to become unstuck had become greater than the limited comfort of being stuck.  Armed with my new found meditation practice, more clarity and my rediscovered gut…and I was OFF!  Off the couch and running. 

At first it was a slow jog, but in recent years it has become an all-out sprint.

So much to do!  So much to be! Answer the call!  Got to say yes to life after years of saying no!

Then in 2008, a life-threatening health scare landed me in the hospital and after almost kicking the bucket, I fully felt the preciousness of life.  I was filled with a desire to live fully, even if my fear and doubt decided to tag along.  Nothing could stop me.  I ramped up my comedy schedule more and more, getting up to do comedy every chance I had.  And I started teaching meditation on top of my job as a massage therapist.  Writing and working and teaching and performing and keeping up with my Facebook page and emails and texting while driving (whaaaat?) and cramming 28 hours worth of stuff in to 24 hours a day.

And then I met my amazing boyfriend!  I decided sleep was overrated as I added sheer bliss, romance and love on to my plate.

And this past year I re-invented my meditation workshops in to Comedy Karma and Creativity Karma, delightfully filling my schedule even more. Wake up, meditate, go go go, love, work, make people laugh, teach, work, make my boyfriend's cats laugh and keep saying yes to life.

People remarked: "I don't know how you do all of this!" and "You're always so busy!"

The Couch Years seemed long behind me.   In fact, I forgot I even had a couch. 

Oh yeah.  I forgot about balance.

This hit me like a ton of bricks a couple of months ago when I got slammed with a bad flu and found myself…on the couch.

I realized something.  After all those years of saying "no", now it seemed all I was doing was saying "yes".  Balance is knowing when to say yes and no.  When you have your eye on the bigger picture, saying no to some things becomes a yes to other things you value.
  

Thank Buddha for my meditation practice.  Otherwise I don’t know how I could have done this schedule and all this craziness the past several years.  

The thing about meditation is it gets you in touch with the experience of vast spaciousness so that creativity can blossom and form can come in to being.  You begin to know the difference between your gut and fear.  Meditation strengthens your mind so that you become very focused and very effective, wherever you place your mind. And there are countless other fruit it bears...

So my meditation practice has contributed to my being able to accomplish and do so much: alertness, focus, concentration, personal power.

But I still have lots of opportunity to practice the other things my meditation practice helps teach me: relaxation, openness, spaciousness, trust.

Trusting that things will unfold, rather than my having to jump in and make them happen.   Rather than wanting results now.  Or losing sight of the present moment.  And gripping tightly to outcomes.

Enjoying what is, and acting from a place of enthusiasm and joy, rather than trying to make up for lost time…for all that time on the couch.

 So I've cut back on performing and the gigs I'm saying yes to.

Comedy Karma workshops are on hold till June.

And in a couple of days, I’m leaving for ten day silent meditation retreat.

I want to start trusting that I won’t go back to the couch.  Between the highway and the couch there is a path of balance.  The couch in itself is not “bad”.  The couch can be a healing, resting place when used in balance with action.  Stillness and action.  Rest and movement.  Balance.

My intention is to empty out so that I can make room for the next steps on my path of balance.  To empty out so that insight and creativity can arise.  So that the familiar experience of oneness with the Universe can fill me up.

 
Shamatha is a foundational practice I’ll be using while on retreat.  Buddhist meditation includes shamatha (tranquility) and vipassana (insight) practice.  Shamatha is key to creating a strong, focused, tranquil mind so that one may have lasting insights in to the nature of mind and the nature of reality.

Follow your breath.  No need to change it or "do" anything; just watch it.  Hold it tenderly.  Remain on the breath and after many, many breaths and the breath drops away, remain on the spot where you perceived the breath.  Be led in to experiencing emptiness.  

For instructions on doing shamatha at home, click here

Breathe In, Breathe Out, Breathe Easy

Whenever a tragedy occurs, like the earthquake, tsunami and impending nuclear meltdown in Japan, there is a collective grief that hangs in the air.   Everyone feels it.

What do we do in the face of such suffering?

We might turn away.  Or obsess over CNN.  Or feel overwhelmed, guilty, helpless, numb.  We may become more self absorbed as a defense to such enormous grief and then think: "How can I be so obsessed with my little life when there's bigger fish to fry in the universal pan?"

In Buddhism, the first Noble Truth that "life is suffering" is not a proclamation that "life sucks".  It's a truth urging us to be more willing to face suffering squarely.  To really look in to its eyes.  When we practice this, we can handle anything that comes our way.

There is a belief – especially in recent years – that we must think only happy thoughts and to avoid, avert and distract ourselves from what is.  We avoid "bad energy" at all costs and after awhile, we're living like ostriches, with our blindfolded head in the pink sand, believing that this will attract shiny happy things in our lives.  This way of living can actually create more fear.  It can make us live smaller.

And facing suffering, understanding suffering, doesn’t mean being glued to the TV watching horribleimage after horrible image for hours on end.  This, actually, can be a hysterical indulgence after a certain point.

So what do you do?

You could donate to The Red Cross, you could call to make sure friends and relatives are safe, you could organize a benefit.  But beyond this, what the hell do you do in order to understand such suffering on a deep level?  I don't know completely.  But I've been doing Tonglen.

Tonglen is a beautiful practice for suffering.  Basically, you breathe in suffering and you breathe out relief.  You actually relate to suffering, rather than turn away.  Rather than worry and obsess.  Rather than wish things were different. 

The Buddhist path is one of fearlessness.  When you truly feel that nothing in life can touch your inner sense of grace, deep peace and happiness, you become braver in life.  You take risks.  You live bigger.  You're happier.

Funny, that.

So.  What to do in the face of such suffering?  When there is seemingly no compassionate action you can take in the moment?  Try Tonglen.

 

Heart of Bodhicitta:
Get in contact with your open, loving, wise heart.  If you have trouble with this, just think of you at your best.  This heart is from where all your good deeds have ever sprung.  This is a place of spaciousness, wisdom, stillness, clarity, compassion and loving kindness.  A collection of all that is good in you.  Trust me, it’s there.  If you don’t think you have it, borrow someone else’s.  Hell, Angelina Jolie’s will work.  Or Mother Theresa.  Or your great grandma.  But see it as a beautiful orb of light in the center of your chest.  Maybe golden light, or pure white light.  However this resonates with you, get in contact with your heart of bodhicitta, your inherent goodness and compassionate wisdom that is there.  Rest your attention here for a while.  Count to ten breaths.

Breathe In Suffering:
Now see the suffering of another, perhaps a loved one, as a black cloud.  It’s hot and thick.  Breathe this black cloud of suffering in to your spacious, open, loving heart.  Your heart uses it for fuel and…

Breathe Out Relief:
...As you breathe out, exhale relief to those in suffering in the form of this beautiful light from your heart.  Exhale compassion, loving kindness, stillness, expansive clarity and wisdom.  All that is limitless and true in your heart of bodhicitta.  Let these qualities touch and relieve those beings who suffer.

In, suffering, out, relief.  In, blackness, out, light.

We want to not do such a thing, right?  I mean, breathing in suffering?  Are you nuts?  Try it anyway.

Breathe in the suffering of others.  Focus on a single being at first.  Perhaps a woman who has lost her child in the tsunami.  A nuclear plant worker.  A dog who cannot find its master, roaming the devastated shoreline.

Breathe in your own suffering; your own resistance to life, your resistance to your meditation practice, your resistance to washing the dishes after dinner and the fight you always get in to with your loved one about it.

Breathe in the truth of life; that we all have suffering of some kind or another, taking various shapes and forms that are no more and no less suffering.

Breathe out the truth of inherent wisdom, kindness, compassion, spaciousness, stillness, clarity.

Eventually, with this practice, you begin to hold suffering and bodhicitta together, in the palm of the same hand, neither fearing and averting, nor attaching and preferring.  It’s all of it.  Just like life.  

I do Tonglen for myself, for loved ones, for a woman with a suffering face in line at the grocery store.  For my parents, who did the best they could.  For ex boyfriends who didn't do whatever they didn't do.  For those who have caused harm to me.  For those to whom I've caused harm.  For a dear friend who's going through a breakup.  For an entire nation that is ravaged by loss and devastation. 

And I begin to be able to face the un-faceable.  And I begin to know there is something else there alongside all that suffering.

And low and behold I find I can truly handle whatever comes my way more often than not.  This breeds a trust that is always there.  Well, most of the time.   And so I keep practicing.  In and out.   In and out.

True Nature Calls

I’m all about growing and getting better at being human.  Let me clarify: not becoming a better human but getting better at being human.  Because this shit’s hard.  And I think there is an art to it.

I do a lot – I meditate, I’m in therapy, I read spiritual books, I am consciously trying to break patterns and habits that do not serve me or the world.  It’s a full time job.  And some days I just feel like screaming:

"DAMMIT I AM SO SICK OF GROWING AND CHANGING AND EVOLVING AND EXPANDING AND TRANSFORMING AND TRANSCENDING! CAN’T I JUST STAY STUCK?"

So I let myself be stuck and miserable and feel sorry for myself.  And I really let it wash over me.  I’m a method actress, you know.  I get in to it.  I'm that good.  And after about a day of honoring how I feel - which is so important - I think:

"Wow.  This sucks.  This is actually a lot harder than doing it the other way."

So then I go back to growing and changing and evolving and expanding and transforming and transcending.  Which actually feels easier on some level.  Maybe because the Universe is always growing and changing and evolving and expanding and transforming and transcending.  So it must be that when I am, too, I'm in sync.  I am aligned.  I am honoring my true nature.

We're all prone to bad days.  And we're all meant to thrive.